DEAD WEIGHT?

—

I recently ran into an old friend - well, technically, a friend of a friend - who promptly struck up a conversation with me. My mama raised me to be polite, so I did my very best to interact with hir in a jovial manner, but I was exhausted pretty quickly and attempted to excuse myself … to no avail. Zie followed me around, talking and talking. I couldn’t bring myself to be rude and tell hir to skedaddle, so zie and I spent most of the day together. Now zie’s everywhere I turn, it seems, and I feel like I’m going to snap. I’d rather handle this situation like a grown-up, but - how the hell do I do that?

JSGS: so AJD, what DO you do with an albatross friend?
AJD: Well, here’s the thing. I worry, sometimes, that I am the albatross draped so heavily about the neck of my Dear Friends.
JSGS: Are you turning the question around to ask what you would do with yourself?
AJD: Yes, I suppose I am.
JSGS: If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?
AJD: Keeping in mind the Golden Rule and all. And, yes. Hell, JSGS, if you were a hot dog, I’d eat you so fast.
JSGS: Well shit.
AJD: [Footnote: not in, like, a sexual way.]
JSGS: [Assumed and noted.]
AJD: So: What would I want my heavily burdened friend to do, if I were the burden? How would I want this friend to treat me?
JSGS: You would want the friend to call you out but without making you paranoid that you are a soul-sucker.
AJD: Yes. I would. I would want the friend to be honest and kind.
JSGS: I think one way to do that would be by discussing what the albatross NEEDS but isn’t GETTING in hir life. Because that’s usually what creates albatross friendship. The Unmet Need.
AJD: Yes. Shall we speculate?
JSGS: We always do.
AJD: Perhaps come up with a general list of commonly Unmet Needs and honestly kind responses?
JSGS: Let us.
AJD: We share this feeling. As we so often do.
JSGS: Oh, so true. If you are my albatross it is only because I love the weight of a carcass around my neck.
AJD: I am not your albatross, nor are you mine.
JSGS: Not even metaphorically.
AJD: Right.
JSGS: Or in a positive way if you’re into carcass. IYKWIM.
AJD: So: possible roots of the problem. Possible Unmet Needs.
JSGS: One scenario: Albatross Friend is isolated in hir community. AF has moved newly to your town; AF has been dumped and lost mutual couple friends; AF hid in depression in house for past 18 months and emerged without a friend to spare.
AJD: Scenario 2: There is something repellant about Albatross Friend, and none but you are able to look past it.
JSGS: Scenario 3: AF has serious problems (psychological, circumstantial, addictive, WHAT HAVE YOU) and cannot get or will not get professional help. Scenario 4: The AF is a Boundary Abuser.
AJD: I think that’s a complete list. Okay, so. Let’s start with Scenario 1. AF is isolated, for whatever reason, from other friends.
JSGS: You are The Friend. The Only One. And you can’t breathe. You might try to help AF find some ways to get connected—maybe even bringing hir into your community.
AJD: Be cautious, however, when taking that route. You don’t want anyone in your community to become the holder of the Albatross. If, however, you are totes certain that AF would fit in perfectly with your crew, do it up.
JSGS: Otherwise, think about hir interests. Is there a Stitch-N-Bitch in your neighborhood you could suggest zie join? A class at a community college (we LOVE the cc’s and their reasonable prices) zie could take? [Wow, I sound like someone’s mom.] Or do your friends know someone involved in pickup soccer at that park on the other side of town?
AJD: Perhaps some sort of team (Roller Derby and Kickball come to mind) sport?
JSGS: WE THINK SO MUCH ALIKE.
AJD: WE ALWAYS HAVE.
AJD: AF may require some heavy encouragement in this area, especially if recently post-breakup or post-depressive-episode. This ego-bolstering will require a bit more of your time than you’d like, but it may have a good payoff.
JSGS: Right.
AJD: In this Scenario, the only thing “wrong” with AF is that ze is isolated. Let’s move on to the Scenario in which AF is flawed - perhaps fatally.

TO BE CONTINUED. TRULY.

HIDING UNDER THE DINING ROOM TABLE HELPS NO ONE.

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About a month ago, an entire family of Jehovah’s Witnesses came to my front door (A. Jane Doe, I may have told you about this). I think the doorbell woke me up from a nap (this is a very safe assumption), so I was pretty hazy when I answered the door. The husband and wife were really nice, and their kids were super cute, so I told them my name (they asked) and took their pamphlets, knowing all along that I would just bring them to work.

Trouble is, they came back today. My boyfriend answered the door and yelled, “Some lady is here for you!” She gave me more pamphlets and said she’d come back later. How do I stop her from coming back without being rude? I don’t want to lie about belonging to another faith, because I don’t, really, and I feel like lying about that sort of thing is just bad karma.

What do I do?

JSGS: Our Dear Reader has found herself stuck with the “albatross” of a Jehovah’s Witness Visitor who has taken our DR’s kindly welcoming gesture for a sign that our DR wishes to be “saved.”
JSGS: And the JWV is likely to be persistent, as the tenets of her faith dictate.
AJD: Our Dear Reader, being a polite, kind, empathetic woman whose parents raised her to treat others with respect and courtesy, struggles to make it clear through body language and/or tone of voice that she wishes to be left alone.
JSGS: You know, our DR deserves a commendation. When my long-suffering mother didn’t want to participate in the census, she would order us to hit the deck as soon as she saw the man in the driveway and we would be forced to pretend no one was home, often while eating our cereal under the dining room table.
JSGS: However.
AJD: I will not deny that my mother, a good, kind Christian woman, employed the same tactics on one or another occasion.
AJD: Not with the census-takers specifically, but with the Witnesses. And the petitioners.

JSGS: The Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that in order to hasten their return to that Great Blackjack Table In The Sky, they need to actively proselytize. That doing so allows people to use the Bible to improve their lives. And that doing so is an Emphatically Good Thing.
JSGS: This so-called social ministry is hugely important—not just a job or a rainy-day activity.
JSGS: So I suspect that, given the merest whisker of a whimper of a flicker of interest on the part of a door-opener, the JWV hopes ardently to land that soul hook, line, and sinker.
JSGS: Thus the persistent return.

JSGS: Despite the dictates of social decorum, our DR’s response was exactly wrong.
AJD: It is my opinion that our DR ought to’ve, upon opening the door to find the JWV before her, said, very firmly and politely, “Thank you for your interest, but I am sustained and fulfilled by my own personal faith. I am not interested in exploring any other faith. Do take care.”
AJD: Or something along those lines.
JSGS: I agree, AJA.
JSGS: And I believe the DR will need to recite same when her Visitor returns.
JSGS: The thing of it is, while being too welcoming can be misinterpreted, everyone deserves our respect, especially if they’re acting in accordance with their religious beliefs in ways that don’t harm us.
AJD: Absolutely.
JSGS: You need not cotton to the dogma they’re peddlin’, but for heaven’s SAKE (literally? figuratively? I’ll leave it for you to figure out) don’t slam the door in someone’s face.
JSGS: I know that in this Internet Age we find knocks at the door unexpected and unwelcome, but still, people. Manners!
AJD: Perhaps we should craft a simple formula for our Dear Readers to consult in the event they, too, encounter a persistent proselytizer.

Polite Greeting + Expression of Gratitude (however genuine this gratitude is, one must determine for oneself, but one must express some thanks for the efforts of the Visitor) + Firm Refusal of the Visitor’s Offered Assistance + Friendly, But Not Too Familiar, Goodbye.

JSGS: If the Visitor is overly persistent, one can + really, no thank you.
AJD: I must confess, I am not completely certain how to most effectively express to the Visitor that one would rather he or she not return.
AJD: Do you have any suggestions, JSGS?
JSGS: Well, one might add to the door a small, tasteful sign that says “No solicitors, please.”
AJD: Ah! That is an excellent idea.

AJD: While it may seem, Dear Reader, that our advice is applicable only during the initial encounter with a Jehovah’s Witness Visitor (or, really, any other Visitor to one’s home), be assured that it is not.
JSGS: Indeed not.
AJD: You can certainly use this same formula, with little modification, on a second or third interaction. You must always take care to be polite and firm.
JSGS: Therein lies the key: polite and firm.
JSGS: If a solicitor continues to visit without invitation and he or she is not of the JWV sort, ask for the contact information for his or her supervisor so that you can officially request the curtailing of visits. (The JW works for God, y’all.)
AJD: And while you technically could ask God/Jehovah to intercede, we cannot guarantee that Ze will come through — Ze is very, very busy.
AJD: Perhaps you are best served summoning up your own strength and addressing the situation your own self.
JSGS: Indeed, AJD. Indeed. Wise words for us all.

AJD: You can do it, Dear Reader.
AJD: Remember: Polite and Firm.

BUYING BEND OVER BOYFRIEND IS NOT A PROXY FOR COMMUNICATION

—

I get little to no action from my long-term significant other - and when I do, it is…not so good. I’ve tried informational books and videos, positive reinforcement, etc. - all to no avail. Do I stay or do I go? Or rather - HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP?

AJD: Awesome ques. One I have pondered in the past.
JSGS: Right?! Is it two questions rolled into one?
AJD: Hmm.
JSGS: it seems like two questions rolled into one.
AJD: It might be! Okay. Let’s treat it that way.

QUESTION ONE: HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP.

My impulse is to say VERY.
JSGS: My impulse is to say very BUT.
AJD: Indeed!
JSGS: I heard this depressing thing on This American Life or some shit like that that said that you’re really only chemically IN LOVE with someone for 18 months, and after that a bond has to form for some other reason.
AJD: Fuck, I take pretty much everything on TAL as gospel, so I guess that must be true.

JSGS: I wonder about Dear Reader’s relationship. Is the sex the cylinder that doesn’t fire? Or … is it something else? Because if zie (fuck the haters, I love gender-neutral pronouns) has a really solid partnership, I would just buy some personal sex devices and sack up.

AJD: See, if this were just about NO sex, then COMMUNICATION would be priority one. And I suppose the same could be said for BAD sex, though that’s a teensy bit trickier. If you’ve been with someone for a long time without saying HEY I WANT YOU TO DO XYZ, suddenly announcing what you want might be, like, a curveball.
JSGS: And they may like to catch instead of pitch IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (IYKWIM) or pitch instead of catch. YKWIM.
AJD: Though if there’s been a lack of communication IN THE BEDROOM throughout then maybe DR needs to sack up and admit some responsibility.
JSGS: Right. But DR does say that zie has tried all the things that, like, the vibrator store tells you to try. Buying books and videos, etc. Yet DR does NOT say that zie has asked SO what SO likes.
AJD: It’s possible that SO doesn’t know what zie likes. And is unable to communicate that. It’s also possible that SO really just isn’t into sex. For whatever reason. Depression, lack of spark, boredom.
JSGS: Trauma. Could be trauma. NOT THAT I KNOW SO. But you are right that this query sounds pretty one-sided. DR I AM NOT CRITICIZING YOU.
AJD: No criticism.
JSGS: THIS IS ALL PART OF THE LETTER-WRITING AND ADVICE-GIVING STRUCTURE.

JSGS: I think sex is less important than most other things unless it is a symptom of a problem with those things. But I guess that’s sort of about personal sex drive issues or whatever.
AJD: Well sure.
JSGS: I can live without regular sheet-jumpin’. I guess if DR can’t, it’s time to give SO the heave ho. That totally rhymed.
AJD: You’re great.

JSGS: But I think first, honestly, if the conversation about why not hasn’t happened, then DR needs to do that before jumpin outta the sack at the first passing ship.

AJD: Okay so. Step one. Determine if relationship is worth saving. If yes, proceed to step two. If no, pack your things and don’t forget your toothbrush. Ain’t nothin’ sadder than getting dumped and then having to stare at the dumper’s toothbrush.

Step two. Sit down with SO and have an honest, clear, open conversation about The Sex. In this conversation, ask clearly for what you want. More sex? Ask for it. Better sex? Ask for it. More communication during the sex time? Ask for it. If SO is receptive, move on to step three. If SO is not receptive, go back to step one.

JSGS: Cause like, ditching someone who doesn’t like sex because zie has PTSD is LAME
AJD: Step three! Give it some time. The amount of time can be determined during step one. If nothing changes, go back to step one. If things change, do a dance.

I have a good friend who went through a bad breakup about four months ago. She is still extremely upset about the breakup, to the point where it is affecting her personal and professional life (i.e. crying all the time, missing work, etc). On one hand, I want to support her and help her heal; on the other hand, it is increasingly difficult to be her friend because I can’t give her the support she needs – and she refuses to see a therapist. What do I do?

JSGS: Oh god. Crizzazy.
AJD: Ugh, breakups.

AJD: Basically it seems like the big issue here is Dear Reader not knowing what hir friend wants hir to do: Listen? Make (ugh) empathetic noises? Give advice?
JSGS: Is that the issue? Or is that DR’S Dear Friend is being obtuse about what zie really needs and/or is refusing to take care of hirself? And our poor DR is left standing at the side of the road not knowing what’s what?
AJD: Well, we don’t know all the details, but I think no matter what it’s essential that DR ask DF what zie wants. & Be willing to be patient, even though other people’s breakups are incredibly tedious and listening to someone say the same goddamned thing over & over again is exhausting. We feel your pain, Dear Reader.

AJD: However, there can be no patience and empathy if DF seems to be in danger. There’s no time and no room for that.
JSGS: TRUE.
AJD: Setting limits and boundaries is essential when you are supporting someone through a difficult and painful time in hir life.
JSGS: If DF is in danger—or talks about putting hirself in danger—our DR needs to be firm about the risks zie perceives.
AJD: Yes. And needs to follow through.
JSGS: That might mean doing something unpleasant like calling a doctor or another friend or a family member. Call your DF on hir shit. If it’s shit, zie might straighten up. If it’s not, you might save hir life.
AJD: Yes.

JSGS: But if this is just garden-variety malaise, our DR needs to disabuse hirself of the notion that hir DF missing work is hir problem to deal with. Some old chestnut about leading a horse to water? Some shit like that, anyway.
AJD: Right.

JSGS: If DF is refusing to see a therapist, DF is choosing what zie’s experiencing. Our DR should revisit the therapist conversation, gently and persistently, perhaps even by saying, “Dear Friend, I can’t give you all the help you need—I can support you, but I am not a professional. I would like to help you find a therapist. I promise I will go with you to the first appointment, but I can’t [insert here: listen to you sob for 5 hours every day; perform Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on you; take the vodka away from you.]”

AJD: DR cannot be the only person supporting DF, and if that is the case, DR needs to be even firmer and more straightforward about hir limits. DR needs to be very clear about what zie can and can not do. And DF needs to be very clear about what zie needs and does not need.

So, Dear Reader, here are some action steps.

ACTION STEP ONE. Ask DF what zie wants and needs.

ONE POINT FIVE. Consider whether you can meet these needs, and how.

ACTION STEP TWO. Calmly, lovingly, and very clearly explain/express to DF what it is you are able to do/be. Be gentle and kind. Remember that you care about DF and that you have been in hir position before and have required love, attention, and patience from your friends.

ACTION STEP THREE. If DF is in danger, explain to DF what you will do when zie threatens to or actually does hurt hirself.

ACTION STEP FOUR. Follow through. If you are able to meet DF’s needs, do so. If you are not, make that clear. If DF attempts to hurt or does hurt hirself, do what it was that you said that you would do.

Sometimes being a good friend does not mean doing whatever someone wants: being a good friend means doing whatever someone needs.

Above all, remember: this, too, shall pass. Eventually.

QUERY ONE: DOES MY THERAPIST SUCK?

—

AJD: How do you know if your therapist is any good?
JSGS: OOOOH. Did you just make that up?
AJD: Nope, it’s a bona fide query*.
JSGS: WHAT. Fascinating.
AJD: SO.
JSGS: So Miss Doe, how do you know if your therapist is any good?
AJD: Hallmarks of a bad therapist: S/he says “mm-hmm” a lot.
S/he doesn’t remember anything you told him/her the last time.
JSGS: I once asked my therapist in a really mean voice if she practiced her empathy noises in the bathroom mirror at home.
AJD: S/he gives you “homework” but doesn’t, like, follow through

JSGS: S/he tells too many personal stories.
AJD: When I was in high school I got pretty good at redirecting all conversations with my school counselor so that he was talking only about himself.
S/he suggests that you just “get over it.”
JSGS: S/he cancels appointments or is often late.

AJD: How do you feel about therapists who don’t ask questions? I need, like, direction sometimes.
JSGS: Ooh, that’s tricky. On the one hand, sometimes it REALLY IS TRUE that if the therapist doesn’t talk a lot you end up saying a lot more than you would, often things that are sort of surprising. And sometimes the therapist’s questions can derail you from something you think is important.
AJD:True. GOOD POINT BUDDY.
JSGS: THANX. I think it depends on whether you ask the therapist to do it.

AJD: Ok so a B.T. looks at the clock a lot.
JSGS: Ha ha ha ha ha but I do too; does that make me a bad patient?
AJD: No, that makes you normal. I look a lot because sometimes I really just want to get out of there but if s/he’s looking it makes you feel like s/he does too, and damnit I AM PAYING FOR 50 MINUTES and you will listen to me for 50 MINUTES

JSGS: A good therapist will always ask you what your goals for therapy are.
AJD: And will keep track of those goals and your progress toward reaching them
JSGS: And a good therapist will have healthy, assertive boundaries, but will not make it taboo for you to ask a question and will explain why s/he won’t answer it.
You don’t REALLY want to know that much about your therapist.
AJD: A BT wants you to know about his/her life outside the office. I don’t give a good goddamn.
JSGS: You sure THINK you do, but that curiosity is never filled in a satisfying way. Lots of therapy relies on you being able to think the therapist is whoever you want him or her to be. At least if it’s a PSYCHODYNAMIC APPROACH.

AJD: Oh god a BT asks you how YOU think s/he SHOULD respond.
JSGS: My therapist asks how I think I WANT her to respond
AJD: How does that make you FEEL?
JSGS: It’s annoying but it also really helped me to understand the difference between just wanting to know something and wanting to get a specific response that I am somehow invested in.

AJD: For me it all comes back to empathetic noises
JSGS: Man, you hate those. What about the empathy face? But doesn’t stone silence kind of drive you nuts too?
AJD: Yeah I guess. I’m VERY COMPLICATED. I like a therapist who reminds me to get over myself. A BT won’t, like, be aware that you’re lying.

JSGS: Sometimes a “bad therapist” is just someone whose methodology doesn’t work for you. So it’s worth thinking, before you go, about the STYLES of therapists who have helped you in the past. If you can tell the new therapist about that, it can guide your relationship.
AJD: I think ultimately it’s pretty difficult to objectively determine whether a therapist is “any good”. It’s more important to figure out if your therapist is good for YOU. I mean, therapy requires honesty and clarity and straightforwardness and hard work. Oh! One more thing. You shouldn’t feel BAD for your therapist.
JSGS: RIGHT?!
AJD: Mostly because you shouldn’t know enough about his/her life to feel any way about it.

JSGS: But I would also caution against bailing at the first sign of trouble, because sometimes mistrusting a therapist has nothing to do with how good the therapist is, and sometimes the most valuable work of therapy comes from working through those feelings WITH someone IN a relationship. Wow, clearly 8 years of therapy over here.
AJD: I think we’ve COVERED the MAIN POINTS
JSGS: CHECK IT: YOU’LL KNOW A CRANK WHEN YOU SEE ONE.
AJD: TRU.

* thanks to Miss L. for asking our very first question! You can do it too!

** thanks to Google Image Search for leading us to the ridic phrenology diagram!